awful awful awful!

So obviously I have been horrible with posting lately and that in turn (I guess?) made me horrible with eating!  I've had a very hectic Friday-today but I know it should be no excuse!  Friday I worked 8-8 and then Saturday I ended up working 3-8 then Sunday and Monday (today) I worked 8-8 again! I also house sat on Saturday into Sunday and didn't have my healthy food with me.  It seems to be getting harder!  When I weighed in on Friday I had gained .2 from the previous week and I haven't gone to the gym in days either! The past couple days I've felt so exhausted that it made me feel sick anddd I'm kinda applying for one, maybe two, full-time jobs within my company so I've been focused on tweaking my resume to make it perfect!  It's super stressful! Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a friend, but besides that I'm back on my weight watchers!  Lunch will be hard to figure the points for so I'm gonna make sure to have a small breakfast like a peice of fruit and a salad for dinner so all my daily points can go into my lunch!  Friday I went over a friends I havent seen since the beginning of December and her mom was like you look so much thinner!  It felt amazing! (which reminds me I need to upload a picture onto here!)  But I'm done ranting tonight.  Maybe I'll have more to rant about tomorrow!

February 16

Well I didn't go to the gym this morning.  Got called into work at the nursing home early again so I didn't work at the pizzeria either.  I think I've gotten better with eating "healthier points" that are more points to get to my 29 points a day.  But today my stomachs very gargly.  I hope it settles down soon.  Tomorrow morning I'm going to make sure I make it to the gym.  Tomorrow night and Friday morning I'm gonna take Piper (the dog I'm watching) for a very long walk!  It will be good for both me and her. 

One of the ladys I work with is doing Weight Watchers and she lost 3.2 pounds in one week!  I hope I've lost that when I weigh myself in Friday morning!  That would be awesome!  Then if I could loose about the same the following week I'd be at the weight I want for my surgery!

It's a couple hours later and I still feel gargly and bloated! boo! I dipped in my extra points again today!  I blame all on it on pmsing!  I'm hoping when I go up to school tonight I don't snack or go to McDonalds like I used to do when I lived up there.  Old habits die hard!  Wish me luck!

February 15

Another 12 hour day at work today.  The good thing with these long days is overtime and I get to look up recepies most of the day!  The only problem is I have NO time to cook them!  Soon enough the new girl starts and then I'll be complaining I want to work more!

Well this week is insane for me AND I'm pmsing.  Bad combo!  It can lead to mindless snacking if I allow it.  Tomorrow I'm going to spin at 5:45, working the pizzeria 11-2:30 then the nursing home 4-8 then up to my college for a show my sorority's hosting.  Thursday I'm at the pizzeria 11-3 then spending the night at my mom's friends house to house & pet sit (until Sunday).  Friday I'm working 8-8 then hanging out with a friend for movies and Blue Moon (2 points).  Phew.  Finally off Saturday.  Exercising may be a little hard.  I'm doing my first weigh in Friday morning and I'm a little nervous.  I'm hoping I drop at least a pound and feel like I need to in order to make it easier to keep going.  I've been doing well measuring things and I think I might buy a food scale this weekend.  That should help.

Anyways, it's officially 3 weeks until my surgery! When I'm healed and cleared by the doc I'm going back to the trainer.  I cannot wait to work with his crazy-ass.  I definitely think training with him has helped me with my current workouts!

Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  For "single's awareness day" I'm actually in a GREAT mood!  I think it's because it's the first Spring type day.  It's gorgeous out!  Of course it'll be back in the 30s tomorrow but that's okay!  Mother Nature gave us singles a wonderful Valentine's Day gift!

This morning I got called into work early so I couldn't work out, but I'll go after work.  Everyday at work there's many many temptations and today I decided to give in to a couple.  I'm going over my 29 points today (not by much) but it's okay!  Weekly your supposed to have 40 some "cheat" points.  I think it's a crazy amount but today since it's Valentine's day, and I'm alone, I'm okay with it.  It's surprisingly easier and easier to resist, actually not even want, unhealthy food!  I'm thinking I like and will be able to stick to this so maybe after my surgery I'll officially join Weight Watcher's.  I just have a hard time spending $38 on a gym and $18 on Weight Watcher's online when I have a lot of college debt.  Hm, decisions decisions!

Random Thoughts!

Well like I said before, I work at a nursing home.  It's a small building with one floor and a long hall.  It amazes and disgusts me when visitors walk down to the end of the hall, or sometimes not even that far, and back and are breathing like they just ran a marathon!  I understand the elderly but when your in, I'll guesstimate, your 40s that should not happen.  I don't wanna hear the excuses "I have a bad back" or most health issues.  Most, including the back ache from walking for 3 mins, health issues can be helped by loosing weight or even eliminated completely.  The "I have a bad back" really means I'm fat AND out of shape!  I do get back pain as well but part of the reason is the size of my chest, which will be reduced March 9th, and I do know I am overweight but I still exercise, don't make excuses, and could probably jog the hall down and back and not be as winded.  It just bothers me.  Our bodies are not meant to carry that much weight and you only get one body afterall!

Another random thought, I have not wanted candy this entire weekend! It feels amazing to crave nutella and peaches instead of candy!  I know I said this about 75 times but this time is really going to be different! Size 8 dress by September?! YES! Bikini this summer?! HECK YES! I think I decided on getting myself Crest White Strips for when I hit 195! I definitely now feel I will be able to look good and have my "adult life" started by this time next year!

In a funk....

So as I told you I went over my friends last night and she's married and pregnant AND we watched her 18 month old nephew, who is the cutest little boy ever, and although it was fun and I love hanging out with her and am extremely happy for her, I was definitely very sad about it too because I feel like that's where I want to be in my life right now.  I want to be with my partner for life starting a life and family together but I can't even land a boyfriend.  At least not one that I'd be interested in.  I blame it all on my weight.  People that I'm interested in aren't interested in me and that's why.  Who wants to be with a fat girl?  I have friends that are thin and can breakup with someone and have a new boyfriend 10 mins later! I'm pretty much in an emotional rut right now because of my weight and need to get past it.  I never thought I'd be so far behind all my peers with things like getting a career, married, a house and a family but I feel like I am.  I've always kinda thought if you can't be happy alone you can't be happy with someone either but I just feel like it's my time to meet someone, settle down and live happily every after but I don't believe it's in the stars for me.  I need to workout after work.  Hopefully that will help me feel better.

February 13

Well I didn't get up to workout this morning.  I actually somehow turned off my alarm clock and went back to bed and don't remember it! Now I'm exhausted!  When I first got up my first thought was "oh no I'll have to eat fast food for lunch!" But since I'm trying really hard with this WW stuff I just threw food, and my measuring spoons, in the bag and ran out the door.  This is a really big accomplishment for me.  I'm famous for thinking/saying "oh I'll just start tomorrow" or "oh I'll just grab fastfood this one time."  I think the actions I did this morning prove that this time it really is going to be different and I'm ready for this.  I'm very proud of myself for that.  Today my friend who has done WW told me that your supposed to eat your max points for the day but it's actually really hard to do.  I've been planning out what I'm eating the day before but of course things always change.  Like last night I saved "just in case" points for when I went over my friends and there I drank 8 pts worth of juice! (Well actually shared some of it with her super cute nephew) But that is how I like to set it up.  So I have some just in case points because obviously things can change all the time!  I'll have to work on that.  I feel like I'm already eating so much and it's good healthy stuff and don't know how to add points in. 

February 12

930 am - I woke up today a little hungry but in a great mood! I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself everyday but I did anyway this morning and the scale said 206.8!  I know weight fluctuates from hour to hour and day to day but it made me feel like this point system really will work! Im honestly loving this "program" already.  You really can eat anything and not feel guilty!  I was kinda trying the eat clean stuff and the principles from the book skinny bitch but today when I asked me friend, who has done WW, how many points a diet pepsi was and she said 0 I knew this was the program for me!  Yes I would like to not drink as much diet soda bc I know it's not healthy for you but the fact that I can drink it makes it amazing.  I'm working 8-8  today so I planned my eating and prepared my food last night.  I had a donut this morning and still my "budget" is under the 29 daily points!  Also, I've discovered the most delish breakfast ever that could also be used as a sweet and satisfying snack!  It's a tablespoon of Nutella (2.5 pts), a slice of whole wheat bread (2 pts), and sliced a banana on top (0 pt).  The whole thing was only 4.5 pts! The more I think about it the more I find yummy foods for breakfast!  With this and exercise maybe I will be down to 200 by March 9th! (Fingers crossed!)

725 pm - Well I just had my dinner, Smart Ones lasanga bake with meat sauce and I'm honestly still satisfied today! I've only used 22.5 points today out of the 29 I'm allowed.  I felt kinda hungry a little bit today but I  think it was more in my head than actual hunger.  I haven't even thought about touching the candy infront of me!  I actually feel smaller already!  I know t hat's just in my head too though but it's what I need to think!  I'm happier and have more energy so far.  I'm going to a friends tonight to hangout and watch a movie.  It's a good thing I still have 6.5 pts left just incase! Tomorrow I work 8-8 again and I'm gonna attempt to get up around 5:30 and take my dog for a walk.  The key word is attempt since I'm a horrible morning person!

February 11

Weigh in 1
207.4 at 7 am

29 pts allowed for the day..
2 eggs                                          4 pts
Cdr PB crackers                          5 pts
Smart One                                   5 pts
Chicken w/ spinach                      5 pts
Humus (apx 2 tbsp)                     2 pts
Cottage Cheese (apx 1.5 C)        6 pts
Banana                                        0 pts
                                                   27 pts

It's lunchtime now and I'm not sure if it's because I've been thinking about it or because my minds playing tricks but I'm hungry.  I have 15 pts left for the day and its 12:45.  I think its pretty good.

Well I did pretty good the rest of the day! I'm not positive my point values are right because today I didn't measure my humus or cottage chz and when I was measuring it for my lunch tomorrow I realized it was a lot more than I thought.  I'm definitely going to have to measure t hings.  I went to the gym tonight as well and I pretty much just feel awesome right now! Big changes are coming up!

Weight Watchersish.... (Feb 10)

Today I decided I'm going to do my own weight watchers type thing.  I'll start by weighing in myself tomorrow morning then won't touch the scale until next Friday.  I found a website that tells you your point allottment for the day and another one that calculates the points in a specific food based on the fat, fiber, carbs and protien.  I usually eat the same stuff so I'll start a spread sheet with the point amounts.  I can have 29 points a day.  I really hope this works!  If I'm still the same weight after 3 weeks/my surgery I'll have to find something else to try.  But if it does work maybe I'll subscribe to actual weight watchers instead of my ghetto version. 

Tip 5 and 6

Tip 5:  Take a picture of yourself in a swim suit at the start of your program and each month in the same thing.

I took a picture on 2/2/11 in a brightly colored bikini.  I want to be able to wear it this summer.  Right now I look scary in it.  I will upload it later.

Tip 6:  Get your mind involved and relax

I think that writing this and being financially organized and my room being clean helps me relax.  I would love to take yoga but right now I don't have the time.  Hopefully in the future I will.

February 10

Wel I've been really bad keeping updates in here but it's because I've been really bad remembering to bring my notebook to work with me and that's where I usually do my writing.  Well I've been good with exercising but the same with food, which is a little better than normal.  You'd think the weight would be melting off but it's not!  I guess that means I need to reduce my calorie intake to reduce my fat.. I will work on it.  I've been working so much though (58 hrs this week at one job and 8 at the other) so most the time I dont think about what's going in my mouth.  People are constantly bringing in goodies too.. pretzels, donuts, cookies... They get hard to resist.  My coworkers also order out a lot which tempts me to order out as well instead of eating my "smartone" But I know I need to stop making excuses.

February 6

I couldn't sleep last night.  I think it's because of my accidental nap I took in the afternoon.  I'm working 8-8 again today and of course the gym has crappy hours because it's Sunday.  I think I might do some crunches, leg and arm work when I get home.  Can't loose momentum.  Tomorrow my plan is to go to spin from 930-1030 and then do a little bit of my walk/run combo.  I really need to swing by a store at some point too.  My work pants are too big and they say wearing clothes that are too big is a way to gain weight. 

tip 3 and 4

Tip 3: Plan activities throughout the year to be slim for.  Small reasonable goals.

•  The first day of summer : I'd love to be back into my size 12 jeans by then! Everyone wants to be thin for summer but that is unreasonable for me.  So I'll just say "slimmer"
• September 19th:  One of my good friends is getting married and I'd like to not have to hide from cameras like I did at another friends wedding last June.  September is also my birthday month, and I will have a lot going on.  My goal by September 19th is a size 8.

That's all I can think of for now!

Tip 4:  Promise yourself a treat when you reach your goals
   Right now I'm thinking of big "treats" when I reach big goals, like a new Northface, if it's still winter, when I break the 200 lb barrier and smaller ones, like a spray tan or new peice of clothing, when I weigh a number that ends in 5 like 205, 195... and maybe another small treat when it ends in 0, 190, 180... I think small goals like 5 lb increments will help keep me on track.

February 4 and 5

Friday
 My eating overall was wonderful except having a pop tart! I woke up earlier than I have been and had a tough, but amazing, workout.  After that I went and got my hair cut.  For lunch I actually cooked! I made talapia that I found on the eat clean website and had it with green beans! It was my first time cooking talapia and it was super easy!  I wasn't a big fan of I think it was the garlic but it's definitely something I'd try again! Maybe with cajun spice next time! Yummy!   For breakfast I had an egg white omlet with mushrooms, green peppers, and cheese! Again, yummy but I should have left the cheese out to be healthier.  I had an orange too with my breakfast.  Before I went to work is when I ate the poptart.  It didn't really do anything for me.  I think I'm starting to understand the concept of "eating to live" instead of "living to eat."  When I eat something bad it only tastes good for a minute, while it's in my mouth, while healthy food satisfies me for way longer.

Saturday
I had my usual breakfast again.  The eggwhite omlet, then had another kick ass workout!  I really wanna be a runner so I try to ease myself into it and do interval training at  the same time.  Today I walked 2 minutes at 3.5 then jogged at 5.0 for 3 mins (I'm only 5'3 so even though that's walking for some, it's jogging for my short legs!).  I jogged in total 12 mins (which was 20 mins of the "interval training") and my shins were SCREAMING at me so I just walked increasing the incline by 1 every minute.  In total I was on the treadmill for 38 mins then did some arm and ab work.  I was very satisfied with my workout.  I went out to lunch with my mom and didn't do great but I could have done worse.  We went to a wonderful little Italian restaurant and I had a lunch size shrimp scampi with crab meat.  I didn't eat it all for lunch I finished the rest for dinner.  I did eat a few girl scout cookies as well! I wouldn't say today was an exceptionally good or bad day.

Tip 2

Make a target weight believable.  How will you feel?  What will you wear?  What will you be doing?

When I loose weight I will feel prettier, more confident, happier and most of all MORE ENERGENIC! I will wear whatever I feel like wearing because I'll look good in anything!  I'm looking forward to wearing a bikini and shorts! I don't think I've ever been comfortable in shorts but I want to be!  It gets to be a pain when I wear pants when I'm going anywhere in the summer.  I will go on dates and out with friends and believe I look good!  I will run for fun.  I will never feel too out of shape to do what I feel like doing again.

February 3

Well I slept crappy last night so I ended up sleeping in late today.  I wanted to go to the gym this morning but that didn't happen.  When I woke up, again, I ate two small bags of sun chips.  That's really something I need to work on.  I worked at the pizzeria again and didn't snack at all! I was extremely proud of myself.  For lunch I had a garden salad and and soup again.  For dinner, a tuna sandwich and an orange.

When I was driving to the nursing home today I realized that when I'm in a good mood I do well with eating which leads me to believe I do eat my emotions.  I know I'll never be happy all the time so that is something I need to work out.

I watched "I used to be fat" on mtv and I think maybe it did help me get my head straight.  This is something I really need.  I want to be healthy and that girls story was actually inspirational.  On a down note though I got my presurgery papers yesterday and I need to get a physical within the next two weeks.  That means there's no way I'll get down to 200 before then and I don't think they'll weigh me in the day of.  I'm gonna try to be good with food and exercising until then so I'll be a little bit better.

As for exercizing lately, I have not made it to the gym recently but have been doing the DVD.  I have very bad shin splints though which have been making it so I haven't been giving it 100%.  I did end up going to the gym tonight after work at it was actually wonderful.  I did my "interval" training that also, I'm hoping, will make me more of a runner.  I run for 3 mins then walk for 2 repeatedly.  My shins were hurting but it I could push through it.  I was super proud of myself.

PS I'm buying a juicer tonght! I think it will be fun to use and definitely will be healthier and taste yummy!

Tip 1.

Weight loss is about desire not will power.  How much do you want to loose weight? why?

I'm not so sure I agree with this.  I think weight loss is about breaking bad habits and replacing them with good healthy habits for a life style change.  That in itself is desire and willpower.  You have to have the desire to get healthy and the willpower to put down the donut and pick up the apple.  Desire without willpower and vice versa will not give you results and drag you down.  I want to loose weight for so many reasons.  Some are the right reasons, some are not.  One reason is because I physically feel uncomfortable.  My gut gets in the way and I feel like I'm in a fat suit I can't take off.  Another reason is to get physically fit.  I would love to run a 5k.  I have never been a runner but always wanted to be.  I also want to look better and have more confidence to find "the one."  I know people should love you for who you are but if i were a guy I wouldn't look at me, and by being more confident that positive energy will draw people towards me.  I'm also a believer in you have to love yourself before anyone else can and when I look in the mirror I don't even like what I see.

Feb 2, 2011

When I woke up this morning, not until 9:30 because I'm a bum, I ate 2 little bags of doritos.  I'm not even a big fan of doritos.  After I ate them I felt super guilty.  Mornings are definately an issue for me.  I don't even wait for my hunger to kick in, I think it's just a habit now.  I'm going to work hard to break it because I hate feeling guilty and it messes me up for the rest of the day.

I worked at the pizzeria from 11-3 today and actually did pretty good.  I did snack on garlic sticks but had a soup and salad for lunch.  It was delish.  It's 6:30 now and I'm still not hungry, I'm pretty proud of myself for that.  I also did not drink any soda at the pizzeria which is good for me!  Oh, and I had a small peice of cake.  Not good but the fact it was tiny is still a big step!

As for tonight, I'm not hungry - so I'm not gonna eat.  I am going to workout though because I did not this morning.  I took pictures this morning in a bikini (I will post them later) that I really want to wear this summer.  Right now by looking at those pictures it is not possible, they're pretty scary stuff.  I'm keeping a camera in my bag at all times though so I keep in mind not to eat bad or skip my exercise or I'll keep looking that way.  My surgery is in 33 days now.   I could not be more excited or nervous at the same time.

Today overall I think was successful, of course that still depends on what happens when I get done work but as of right now I'm thinking positive for the future.

Okay well as you can tell I'm awful with posting daily.  I've decided that I'm going to keep a compisition notebook with me at all times and I'll write in it daily, then post those on here when I have time.  I know I could just leave what I have to say/am felling/ate in the book but I feel like if I have it where people can read it I will feel less likely to stray from it.  Also, I found a website that has 20 tips to keep you on track.  I'm going to break down one tip a day because a lot of them ask questions and have suggestion type things. Well today I am going to start with Feb 2, Feb 3 and today.  I did not write in my book yesterday but I'll try and write some about yesterday.